Since graduating, I have found that I greatly miss the ability to workshop. Thus, I'm including this poem I wrote in late October with the hopes more creative pieces to workshop will appear on the blog.
Country Love In October
I am not strong enough for the poetry I said
The words I thought I thought I knew were there
All gone to sleep with fishes and useless vacuum
cleaner heads.
The vampire knells you at once wring from my
longgone swansong neck
Remaining hollow as hollow harvests tonight shuck
empty cobs for supper,
And everyone hears the angry belly in the cruel caw
of murders.
Someday plan on a funeral,
Blind-date someone's mother, plan a garage sale,
Take the block from the butcher and make it a vase for
everyday killers and their everyday flowers.
Watch your words grow to grey right there because of our
solitary star –
Redundance has had a way with me.
I am universal standard.
I was planted to become a boiled sleep of a thousand years
in the loose knit net
Of another's deeply tragic forever.
For your beautiful ways, like the small of your back or
the way your hair dries
On your own pillow or in the sun, I began to disremember.
I am sorry.
Yet we sleep on heroically
For our causal reunion. My love,
There could be a million cardinals for every morning
if they only had your eyes.
A mountain's shadow ate up my prettiest heartbeats. Love,
The very same shade that scratched my head
Like your hand, that shadow has lately left me.
It is good and it is bad. Mostly
I am here oftentimes.
I am here waiting
With the paper husks in October's gardens,
And the dust falling like snow,
Brown leaf ghosts stirring along a long dirt road
And then lightly disappearing into dark.
4 comments:
Jessica,
Have you considered cutting this down at all? As I read through it, I think that there are too many strong and natural images that get lost alongside lines that feel more forced or ring hollow for me.
For example in the first stanza, I feel that lines like "longgone swansong neck" and "remaining hollow as hollow harvests tonight shuck empty cobs for supper" are smooth and evocative but feel out of place amidst vaguer phrases like "vampire knells" (?) and "useless vacuum cleaner heads." There seems to be too much separation between these phrases and despite strong, smooth lines throughout it makes things feel a bit inconsistent.
Second stanza same thing - beautiful lines throughout but the phrase "blind date someone's mother " feels rhythmically and thematically out of place. That said, this and the third stanza I think are the strongest.
The entire third stanza could stand almost by itself as an impressive little poem (which is a good thing but I'm definitely not advocating that).
The fourth stanza caught me off guard - is it a causal or casual reunion? Causal was so unexpected that I initially read it as casual and both words conjure up very different effects for me. You set a high standard for imagery and some of the lines in the middle of the stanza don't seem especially inspired. However, in the context of the stanzas final lines (!) I appreciate the simplicity leading up to them.
I don't think the fifth stanza is even necessary. You end the fourth on such a strong and complicated note that the last four lines feel weak in comparison. There's nothing more that is really said and upon finishing I find myself forgetting them and returning to consider the end of the fourth stanza again.
Perhaps I've missed the intended impact of the last lines, but have you considered doing away with them and ending sooner. As they stand i think the last lines of the 4th stanza are devastating. I tried reading them a few different ways, toying with punctuation. I think they're lovely as is, but - without changing any word order - shifting the periods in these final three lines creates some subtle yet interesting differences in the effect.
Thank you so much for posting this. Your writing is wonderful. It has so much personality and rhythm.
I have always felt uncertain about the last stanza. I think my affinity for the final line "and then lightly disappearing into dark" has left the final stanza as it is. But I've struggled with the feeling that it feels somewhat "tacked on". I love wordiness, but sometimes I need to cut lines or phrases out with the promise to myself that I will plant them in some other poem (i.e. phrases like "vampire knells" or "useless vacuum cleaner heads.")
Thank you so much for taking a careful look at this poem, Josh. I hope to see more pieces on the blog from yourself or others soon!
i'm appreciating this exchange. i don't understand poetry at all and while i respect your writing Jess and think it is excellent, I have no idea why. i'm just reading both of your comments to learn - very interesting. thanks for sharing the poem.
Jess,
I'll pretty much second Josh, but with different examples.
I think the second stanza is gorgeous; I read it and I saw you listing: 'Someday plan on a funeral,
Blind-date someone's mother, plan a garage sale.'
'Like your hand, that shadow has lately left me.
It is good and it is bad. Mostly
I am here oftentimes.
I am here waiting'
This is sweeping and powerful. The first line two lines being especially rhythmic.
I enjoyed.
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