Thursday, July 17, 2008

Desperation

Twinkling goes the ice cream truck
as it travels its distance
of destitute sidewalks,
bearing its freezing escape of delicious
to children whose brows are wet with persistence
and sportly insistence,
whose force is effective in more ways than one
(or less ways than none,
depends on reactions).

"Get what you want, get what you like."

So sings the twinkling, brighter than bright.
But the definite shadow of hunger is greed,
And what you pay for is what you receive.

"What you pay for is what you receive."

So even as hospitals housing misfortune
baffle the howl
the wailing despair,
as midnight taxi cabs jostling, cruising,
searching for desperately feminine fare,
tomorrow is yet still today in disguise
and later is now, but only in time.

"Later is now, but only in time."

Walking past bonekids with cones of all sizes,
I realize I'm limping, shot right in the foot.
I'm told by my head that the bullet was fired
a few lines ago
by a brain embarassed.

A brain embarassed.
Whose? I can't say. Mine, I suppose.
But who is to say if it's mine or no
when I may be nothing but one of its folds?

Feeling my frozenly creamy interior
beginning to ooze out my whistling foot,
I fear my discovery will unearth a truth
hidden deep in the depths of my solitude's roots.
Buried below
some
>>>> holy
>>>>>>> chord
>>>>>>>>>> changes,
timbres embracing my yearning and pacing
and stumbling running on one-and-a-half legs,
I hobble ahead past ignorant eyes,
blindering mouths,
pastings on faces just lost in escaping,

Now is the time for desire to die.
Now is the time for desire to die.

Wrapped in a tunic of self-doubting spite,
I tunelessly sing back to the twinkling:

"No nothing is free in this world but me.
Nothing is free, nothing but me."

So twinkling goes the ice cream truck
as it travels its distance
of destitute sidewalks,
bearing its freezing escape of delicious
to children whose brows are wet with persistence...

3 comments:

Ms. Feldman said...

A nod towards bookending this piece with the same stanza. Also, some of your images/lines are incredible:
1. "bonekids with cones of all sizes"
2. "and later is now, but only in time"
3. "baffle the howl"

Ms. Feldman said...

oh ya, and "pastings on faces just lost in escaping" = fantastic

joshua francis said...

You have all these wonderful images but they deserve to be more elegantly linked.

For example, in the first stanza
phrases like "as it travels" "are wet" and "is effective" detract from the momentum and energy of the stanza.

Travels or travelling? "Children whose brows are wet" or "children, brows wet?"

You aren't lacking in evocative imagery but you seem too tied to a very correct and proper prose syntax that seems inappropriate considering the vibrancy and rhythm of the imagery.

If you want to have complex imagery you need to find a way to transition more actively from image to image. Right now you're sacrificing momentum and flow for the sake of carefully constructed images. I think that you either need to find a way to focus and elevate your verb usage in a way that is consistent with the tone of the imagery or pare the content of both your action and images down to only the essential elements.

In the third stanza you start with lovely, rhythmic phrasing for the first three lines and then follow with two heavily descriptive, off rhythm lines. Those two middle lines disrupt what should be a single, smooth transition from the first lines right through the critical final lines of the stanza. It's difficult to read aloud and I think that dependent upon how you would like it to be read and understood that it needs to be rewritten somehow.

maybe:

So even as hospitals housing misfortune
baffle the howl
the wailing despair,
of the taxi cabs desperate for feminine fare,
tomorrow is yet still today in disguise
and later is now, but only in time.

Reading through this a few times, it seems that you're confident and secure in the themes and content of your images and I wouldn't presume to suggest altering their content. However, you have too many good lines surrounded by ones that are just ok. You need to either hold all your lines to the same quality standard or judiciously trim to let the best ones flourish.