The Perfect Christmas

Christmas might be all about the big, family-focused celebration on the 25th, but if you slack off during the crucial Christmas Spirit Prep Phase you might as well not even show up at Mom's doorstep on Christmas Eve.

I will be taking the following steps in the coming weeks to guarantee that 2008 is remembered as "The Year Josh had the Perfect Christmas."

1. Wear Holiday Flannel - as Vince Vaughan movies will attest, any asshole can wear a Santa hat; true Christmas fashion is a more subtle thing. I will be wearing my new green and red flannel for a few hours most (if not every) day between now and December 25th to establish a solid power base of Christmas Spirit. Its festive grid of overlapping green and red squares will be spreading subliminal seasonal cheer to store clerks, bank tellers, and bartenders all over the Seacoast Region.

2. Pound Christmas Tree Cakes - Christmas Tree Cakes are the most disgusting, over-sugared, confectionery poison in the Little Debbie line-up of snack cakes. No matter how pure your Christmas Spirit, it is impossible to eat an entire cake without feeling just a little ill. Nevertheless, I will manfully commit to eating at least one entire box of these snack-sized delights before Christmas Eve.

3. Get Serious About Your Soundtrack - I've chosen A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector as this year's Official Christmas Soundtrack - all your Christmas favorites belted in full Wall of Sound, high-octave, Girl Group force. I'm giving this the edge over other Christmas albums based on the inclusion of The Greatest Christmas Song Ever, Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)."



4. Pound Holiday Brews - I can't really stomach eggnog (at least in concept; I've never actually tried it) and so will be turning to seasonal beers to get my Christmas buzz going. This year's chosen brew: Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale.

5. Start but Don't Stop at Home - As the Christmas Spirit I generate at home begins to snowball and gain momentum, I plan to let it avalanche into my 9-5 life. Maybe a Christmas tie? Maybe a miniature Christmas tree in the cubicle? Definitely candy canes in all my pockets.



If all goes according to plan, one day I will leave my desk, pluck a candy cane from my tree, drive home with the Ronettes belting out "Sleigh Ride" (traffic be damned, I'll listen to it twice), return home, don my Holiday Flannel, and kick back with a Christmas Tree Cake and a Celebration Ale and watch Home Alone. And in that perfect moment when the shards of broken ornaments pierce Marv's bare feet and my lips taste of candy cane/beer/pastry, I will look down to brush the green and red sugar crystals from my green and red checked chest, and The Perfect Christmas will be mine.

Vladislav Khodasevich - "Before the Mirror"

‘I, I, I’. What a word! It’s unfair!
Is this man I? Is this not a fake?
Could his mother love him anywhere –
Grayish-yellow, gray in his hair,
And such witty and wise as a snake?

Can it be that the boy who liked dances
In the summer Ostankino’s balls --
Is I? I who, by each of my answers,
Call for anger’s and fear’s upraises
Of the poets, beginning their toils.

Can it be that the same youthful person
Who put vigor in his arguments –
Is I? I, who, at tragic and passion’s
Elements, met in all conversations,
Has learnt usage of silence or jests. 

Yet it’s always when you just freeze on
The midways through your baleful life:
From the trivial reasons to reasons,
And behold, you are lost in wild regions,
And couldn’t find former trace of your strife. 

Under garrets of France, not a fear
Of a panther has set me, at last.
Virgil does not inspire me here…
There is loneliness – framed in the mirror
That is speaking the truth of the glass.



At the expense of sounding like a total d-bag, 
the translation loses the rhythm of the original
 Russian, alas, I think its still great.

Joan of Arc

Commercial Break

Watch the girls' faces when Bobby Sherman gives them the milk.

Houdini vs. The Great Kellar

Forget escapism! Can Houdini do THIS?!

Escape Artist

Fancy Fluffy Lady

I know this isn't really a forum for personal news ... but I have a new cat. Her name is Penelope.

She is a total babe.

She appreciates belly rubs.

and enjoys games that simulate the action and intensity of "the kill."

you don't love me yet

In case you were wondering, the best sentence (fragment) in Jonathan Lethem's otherwise forgettable novel You Don't Love Me Yet is:

"Just tongue and a smudge of her hips and goodbye."

Our Boob

On the American economy:
"Our aim should not be more government. It should be smarter government."

I could not have said it any better.

Day 15

Beachcombing at Low Tide

Though I spent the first two weeks daunted by the crashing waves and briney surf, today I have sallied forth to comb the beach I now inhabit. The ocean had many wonders to share with me:


A. The shell of a Moon Snail, also known by its hideous scientific name, Naticidae.

B. A Strata Tour Professional golf ball marketed by Sports, Inc. Though I cannot prove it, I believe one of my rich neighbors was trying to chip this item into my ear canal.

C. A well-beaten mollusk shell. I believe it to have originally been that of a mussel.

D. A deteriorating yet spectacularly colored lobster claw...?

E. A beautifully iridescent piece of a seashell. I believe it to have originally been that of a clam or a mussel.

F. A really neat rock!

The moon was exceptionally big and beautiful tonight:

Relax and Take Notes

Recent research reveals:

Describing a Baryonyx dinosaur as "like a real life dragon" is misleading.

"Texas" is a delightful word to write or say out loud. So is "pretty."

Haagen Daaz makes you fat.

"Kvelling" is a real word, not something Amy Heckerling made up for Clueless. (this made my day)

Keira Knightley really does look like a Fassbinder heroine.

Martin Kippenberger's work is more fun to talk/read about than actually look at.

I don't wanna be a poet / Cuz I don't wanna blow it

This guy is the real deal.


Lyrics:
Everywhere you look these days,
It's bound toe around
It's in the air, it's in our food
It's trampled in the ground
Down the block and near your house,
A reactor near your town
Geiger counters round-the-world
Record the deadly sound

Do it left do it right
Do the Radiation Shuffle,
Do it with all your might
Flap your arms we do the dance of death
The Radiation Shuffle to your dying breath

Babies drinking it casually
With their mothers' milk
Dumped in Oceans stupidly
The fishermen pays the bill
Fallout's just another name
For nothin' left to lose
Just wait until the alcoholics find
It's even in their booze

Do it left do it right
Do the Radiation Shuffle,
Do it with all your might
Flap your arms we do the dance of death
The Radiation Shuffle to your dying breath

Everywhere you look these days,
It's bound toe around
It's in the air, it's in our food
It's trampled in the ground
Down the block and near your house,
A reactor near your town
Just wait until the alcoholics find
It's even in their booze

Do it left do it right
Do the Radiation Shuffle,
Do it with all your might
Flap your arms we do the dance of death
The Radiation Shuffle to your dying breath

Not only does Robert Berger rock the shit out of the keys and look almost painfully awesome, he makes his own wine when he's not simply looking awesome (although I'm sure he looks awesome when he's making wine).

Also - he did not write the lyrics to this song.

Barackumentary

HBO will be airing a documentary series about President-Elect Barack Obama in 2009. This documentary series will be directed by Edward Norton.

(o)(o)(o)(o) donuts

I really like donuts. A good many hours of my life have been devoted to donuts. In fact, this very morning I had two donuts.

I think the best donut I ever had was in Berkeley California, on Telegraph Ave, at a place called King Pin Donuts. It's one of the two street side stores that bookends a U-shaped indent of eateries. If I recall correctly the rest of the establishments specialize in Asain delicacies. It was something of an odd experience to eat a hot and sticky glazed donut next to a guy that was downing sushi with chopsticks. These are incredibly good. If you live within a 3 day drive you should probably get the rest of the week off and go now.

Don't think that Boston and New England are without respectable donut shops. I once fell for that. I thought we were doomed to eating those rock hard O shaped carboard pastries from Dunkin Donuts. This isn't the case. Just today I went to Mike's Donuts on Tremont Street in Mission Hill. This place is good. There's a tale that they make all the donuts they are going to sell each day in the morning and once they sell out they close down. I've never asked to verify the truth of the story but I like it.

Also over in Cambridge, just beyond Porter Square on Mass Ave there's a great place called Vierna's. It's another simple shop, as I think all donut places should be. (My personal philosophy is that all a store needs is coffee, donuts and napkins)

For those of you in New Hampshire, you're out of luck for the time being, until next spring, but there are really good donuts at the Portsmouth Farmer's Market on Saturday mornings when the weather is warm. One of the tents has apple cider donuts that are amazing. They're soft and bouncy. I recommend them with some Cafe Kilim coffee.

Well that's it.

The Bee's Knees

If I could be any species of bee I would choose bumblebee. Bumblebees are excellent pollinators but useless as honey producers and therefore rarely kept.


This particular bumblebee lived in my backyard. He is missing, presumed dead or hibernating.

Everybody dance!