Tonight (for your pleasure),
I’ll wear dark jeans,
a tight, grey sweater,
and lofty shoes.
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2008
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October
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- What do you see?
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- "How 'bout Ratt? How 'bout Ratt?"
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- A Week Before Christmas
- Our Sarah
- "We're gonna do a MONTAAAAAAGEyah"
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- happy birthday josh
- Great Characters in History: Omar Little
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- I Betcha Can't Watch It Just Once
- Showering / Life
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October
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3 comments:
If sweater isn't one of the prettiest words in the the English language, then I don't know what is.
Pithy and sweet is always good in my opinion. I'm not crazy about the last line and what it does rhythmically to your poem. I would maybe suggest omitting it entirely. However, three lines seems a bit too brief and far be it of me to ever discourage the wearing of lofty shoes with evening ensembles. Maybe a little reordering?
Tonight (for your pleasure),
I’ll wear
lofty shoes,
dark jeans,
and a tight, grey sweater.
"tight, grey sweater" has such great rhythm and flow it seems a shame to bury it in the middle. The "ah" and "oo" sounds in "lofty shoes" just don't seem right to wrap things up with. Formally I think moving the sweater line to the end gives you a nice rhythmic symmetry with the first line as well.
Agreed. "Tight, grey sweater" is absolutely wonderful. You get all the imagery with the current alignment, but when you end with that lineyou get it prioritized.
"Tight, grey sweater" looks and sounds very potent.
I do like putting the sweater line at the end - metrically, visually, and image-wise, I think it makes the most sense.
Thanks for the comments and suggestions.
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