Life's Great Disappointments vol. VII

I walked all the way across PetQuarters to get a closer look at a guy in the fish department who I thought looked like a young Daniel Stern. 

Up close he was just a poor man's Dustin Diamond.

PetQuarters didn't even have the brand of cat food I was looking for.

25 Years of Tom Cruise being a Celebrity!!!

Nauseous, disgusted, Dakota Fanninged, impressed. These are all emotions I felt while watching Oprah Winfrey's Tom Cruise Ass-Kiss-A-Thon called "25 years of Tom Cruise". Watching past cast-mates and collaborators like Dustin Hoffman (who was actually more retarded in the shout out than he was in Rain Man) to Steven Speilberg to oh so creepy and 10 going on 75 Dakota Fanning sharing and telling glorious, flowery memories of their days spent working with Mr. Cruise deeply affected me. I was nauseous because it was disgusting, I was then Fanninged by Dakota Fanning and overall I was impressed that Oprah Winfrey would take time out of her busy schedule of giving things away to audience members to honor such an American Icon and level 4 Scientologist such as Tom Cruise. Not only did Mr. Cruise do a KILLER Jack Nicholson impression... he didn't jump on any couches! Cruise just sort of sat there with his chiseled features, smiling and possibly levitating audience members off-camera with his mind, while other celebrities talked about how "great" and "awesome" he is and was and would be to work with. I retract my notion that Oprah stopped doing what she does five days a week at Harpo Studios, each audience member received a Tom Cruise DVD box set (sick!) and a special edition of "Risky Business" (heyooo!). I can't wait till the 50th anniversary.

Say it Ain't So, Flav

I'm getting my SportsCenter fix this morning and I learn that Dallas Cowboys All-Pro wideout Terrell Owens plans to make a guest appearance on Flavor Flav's upcoming My Network TV sitcom Under One Roof. Flav plays an ex-convict who lives with his successful, straitlaced, real estate developer brother; details of T.O.'s role were unavailable.



Early prediction for the show: Canceled immediately following the pilot episode. Unless T.O. makes an appearance in the first episode, we'll probably never get a chance to check out his acting chops. In the meantime, we should all amuse ourselves with this Sal Paolantonio article explaining why T.O. is overrated. As for Flav, he has overstayed his welcome in the world of cable television and this latest sorry endeavor further emphasizes how far he has fallen since the glory days of Flavor of Love: Season One. Flav has long worn the crown (literally and figuratively) as King of reality t.v. but it's time he does the right thing and gracefully step aside to make room for Brett Michaels's legitimate ascension to the throne.

Name that Tune: Celebrity Wedding Edition

Yesterday Jay-Z and Beyonce finally made it forever and for real. In this early collaboration, Mrs. Hovah cops a few lyrics for the bridge from which eighties-pop megastar??

Bono

"So, you like rich, altruistic Irish rockstars?"

I've just started Chuck Klosterman's latest book, IV, and I am enjoying it tremendously. His wit and wealth of trivial knowledge makes him one of the most incisive yet endearing pop culture critics out there. One of the chapters concerns an interview with Bono, which is simply hilarious. I won't paraphrase Mr. Klosterman because his prose is delicious, but I will recommend this book, despite just starting it.