Christmas might be all about the big, family-focused celebration on the 25th, but if you slack off during the crucial Christmas Spirit Prep Phase you might as well not even show up at Mom's doorstep on Christmas Eve.I will be taking the following steps in the coming weeks to guarantee that 2008 is remembered as "The Year Josh had the Perfect Christmas."
1. Wear Holiday Flannel - as Vince Vaughan movies will attest, any asshole can wear a Santa hat; true Christmas fashion is a more subtle thing. I will be wearing my new green and red flannel for a few hours most (if not every) day between now and December 25th to establish a solid power base of Christmas Spirit. Its festive grid of overlapping green and red squares will be spreading subliminal seasonal cheer to store clerks, bank tellers, and bartenders all over the Seacoast Region.
2. Pound Christmas Tree Cakes - Christmas Tree Cakes are the most disgusting, over-sugared, confectionery poison in the Little Debbie line-up of snack cakes.
No matter how pure your Christmas Spirit, it is impossible to eat an entire cake without feeling just a little ill. Nevertheless, I will manfully commit to eating at least one entire box of these snack-sized delights before Christmas Eve.3. Get Serious About Your Soundtrack - I've chosen A Christmas Gift for You from Phil Spector as this year's Official Christmas Soundtrack - all your Christmas favorites belted in full Wall of Sound, high-octave, Girl Group force. I'm giving this the edge over other Christmas albums based on the inclusion of The Greatest Christmas Song Ever, Darlene Love's "Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home)."
4. Pound Holiday Brews - I can't really stomach eggnog (at least in concept; I've never actually tried it) and so will be turning to seasonal beers to get my Christmas buzz going. This year's chosen brew: Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale.5. Start but Don't Stop at Home - As the Christmas Spirit I generate at home begins to snowball and gain momentum, I plan to let it avalanche into my 9-5 life. Maybe a Christmas tie? Maybe a miniature Christmas tree in the cubicle? Definitely candy canes in all my pockets.
If all goes according to plan, one day I will leave my desk, pluck a candy cane from my tree, drive home with the Ronettes belting out "Sleigh Ride" (traffic be damned, I'll listen to it twice), return home, don my Holiday Flannel, and kick back with a Christmas Tree Cake and a Celebration Ale and watch Home Alone. And in that perfect moment when the shards of broken ornaments pierce Marv's bare feet and my lips taste of candy cane/beer/pastry, I will look down to brush the green and red sugar crystals from my green and red checked chest, and The Perfect Christmas will be mine.
7 comments:
How is the Sierra Nevada Celebration Ale? I'm looking for a celebratory winter beer myself. I usually stick to Newcastle, Smithwicks, and the occasional Harpoon Winter Warmer each snowy season, but I'm looking to branch out.
Home Alone. Great choice.
The most painful scene in Home Alone is when Kevin McAllister is about to eat that most delicious looking macaroni & cheese... the candles are lit, the table is set... Kevin recites a short, frivolous grace, the clock chimes, he blows out the candles AND TOTALLY DISCARDS THE MEAL! It is so upsetting.
Close second: the nail-through-Marv's-bare-foot scene as he ascends the basement stairs.
"When I grow up and get married, I'm living alone! I'm living alone!"
"Buzz told you cheapface -- toiletpaper and water"
"Harry, don't move. Harry, don't...move."
HOME ALONE II
"Harry. We've reached the top!"
"Suck brick kid!"
"Look what you did, you little jerk!"
"Buzz, your girlfriend ... WOOF."
entire pizza scene and the grocery shopping trip are gold
i have a shameful admission to make.
i saw home alone three. it was the black sheep of the series; different kid, different bad guys, different in general. to make matters worse, i saw it in the theater and i was old enough to know better.
but anyway, marvelous post josh. you've opened my eyes to the possibility of enjoying x-mas as an adult.
Bob, that's hardly shameful.
Home Alone 4, on the other hand, is downright contemptible.
Merry Christmas, ya filthy animal... (machine gun sounds)
...and a Happy New Year.
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