"Movies that I DIDN'T see"

Thoughts and opinions on the movies that I DIDN'T see this summer, based on assumptions I made while watching the trailers and (occasionally) reading actual reviews.

Speed Racer: I never liked/watched this cartoon growing up and my interest in the movie never really extended beyond vague plans to cash in on a free Cheerios Speed Racer cereal bowl offer; at some point I switched from Cheerios to Life and never got the box tops together. Too many bright colors, quick cuts, and closeups of Matthew Fox wearing a costume that made him look like Mega-Man. Emile Hirsch's post-Girl Next Door career has been a disappointment and Fox's hands-on-hips-taking-a-deep-breath-while-I-squint schtick really only works on Lost.

Sex and the City: Based on her stellar work in Hocus Pocus, I've always been a Sarah Jessica Parker apologist; however, this movie was garbage. Like any good television show turned movie, they would have been better off just showing the three best episodes back to back on the big screen. The only three Sex and the City episodes I've seen (long story) involved the pretty-brunette-woman-whose-name-I-can-never-remember divorcing her husband and having sex with her bald, paunchy, very hairy divorce lawyer.

Kung Fu Panda: Jack Black is an ass. Only real pandas are entertaining.

You Don't Mess with the Zohan: I wish Adam Sandler would just recycle jokes and plots from his old movies instead of trying to come up with new ideas. I would gladly fork over $8 for Happy Gilmore II. Also, goatees are neither fashionable nor funny. Ever.

The Happening: I got off the M. Night Shyamalan ride years ago when a friend told me how the Sixth Sense ended before I saw it. Since then, I've never seen any of his movies but strongly believe that all of them have been complete and utter crap.

The Incredible Hulk: I finally saw the Ang Lee version this summer on cable when the beautiful and talented Jennifer Connelly (The Rocketeer!) stopped me cold mid-channel surf. I don't imagine that I'll ever actually see this new one; Edward Norton is only half-alright part of the time and Liv Tyler isn't nearly pretty enough (maybe in Empire Records?) to slow me down when I'm power surfing through the USA/TBS/TNT/FX block of channels.

Get Smart: I have nothing against this movie. Maybe I'll see it on a plane one day.

Hancock: Oh, Will Smith, you made Independence Day and I could never hate you, but this movie was tedious, uninspired, and probably neutered by the MPAA.

Step Brothers: On the one hand, a grown man getting crushed by a poorly constructed bunk bed is hilarious, on the other hand, neither Will Ferrell nor John C. Reilly are very funny anymore. Jury's still out on this one, but I strongly suspect that it's mediocre. If we were ever at the video store together and you said "hey, let's rent this one," I wouldn't say no but I certainly wouldn't split the rental fee with you.

The X Files: I feel the same way about this as I do Sex and the City minus the weird, pre-pubescent crush on SJP (sorry David Duchovny). The only X Files episode I remember seeing involved a family of incestuous mutants living in an isolated farmhouse and I have to believe that the movie fails to deliver on that episode's creepy promise.

Pineapple Express: I have no plans to ever see this movie. If I find out that Jonah Hill was in it then I have definite plans NOT to see it. In another year or so this whole Apatow/Rogen thing will have run its course and only James Franco (maybe) and that guy who plays Darryl on The Office will have careers.

The Mummy 3/The Rocker/Mamma Mia!: I will neither remember nor regret.

Tropic Thunder: Part of me wanted to see this but an even bigger part of me thought that there was a reason that they waited until the end of August when no other decent movies were playing to release it. That said, I can only assume that Robert Downey Jr. was nothing short of wonderful.